I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
you win again, gameday.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
