my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You're a waste of cheezeits
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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