I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
