you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
P.S. I can't hear my feet
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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