The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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