life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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