I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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