I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
