Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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