By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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