Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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