the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
