people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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