She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
