i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
