i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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