someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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