Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
