I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
