its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
