Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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