yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize