I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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