All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
