i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
