There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
