On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
