I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
