She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
