as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
