I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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