explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
There are leaves in my underwear?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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