We're like a lot better than the average bears
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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