So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
