I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Randomize
