ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
