My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
