I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Randomize
