I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
