Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
