Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Randomize
