I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
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