So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Randomize
