A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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