I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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