my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
