Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
