I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
