I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
