I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
i've created a new STD.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Randomize
