I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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