I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
