Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
