your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
