we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
