there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
