I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
