Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
