I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Randomize
