WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
