i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
You work out of a Hotel?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
