Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize