On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
