You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Randomize
