I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
