i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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