Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
