People with herpes should wear stickers.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
