i just wanna soil my oats bro
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
