She said her name was "party"
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
