my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
