True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I wish you could order shots online.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
