dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
