Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
