Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
