we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Randomize
